On a lighter note...a story about my long-suffering husband and what he has to put up with because he married me.
Jeff tells this story much better than I do; and when he told Lucy and me on Sunday morning we were both doubled over with laughter.
Last week was a hard week for me. Two cities, two sets of customer demos, a flight on Tuesday & Wednesday... 3 days total of demonstrations to customers.
This meant a lot of early wake ups (5am) and late nights.
Friday night into Saturday I slept about 12 hours. I say "about" because Jeff tells me I was definitely awake at 3am Saturday. He knows this because he woke me up.
Back story: as any of my former roommates can attest - I sometimes talk in my sleep. It's rare, usually unintelligible mumbles and probably makes no sense because dreams tend to not make much sense, either.
Saturday in the middle of the night while I was deep asleep I started to talk in my sleep. Jeff tells me the first bit seemed directed at him - that I was talking about Erik to him. It was mainly a mumble and so he decided he could tolerate that without smothering me with a pillow.
Then I started to talk about prep for my demos. Again, mumbling at a low tone. Jeff rolled over and thought...okay, I can sleep through this, too.
Then, at full volume - as if I was addressing a large room of attendees I began GIVING my presentation.
Jeff couldn't take it. He grabbed my arm. He says my reaction was swift and immediate - like swatting a bug. I hit his hand, rolled over and went back to sleep. Silently and deeply until nearly noon on Saturday.
This post will come as no surprise to most all of my friends and family...but for anyone else who reads my blog or for any of my "virtual" friends - I've been wanting to share my thoughts on what the world is calling the "Tipping Point" in GLBTQ equality and the newest frontier in civil rights: an understanding of Transgender folks.
My (step)son, born as Emma Ruth, has his own blog - and this is truly his story and his path - but as his parent, I have my own story.
This so-called "Tipping Point" comes at both a very good time..but also there is a not-so-good aspect to it.
When Erik finally explained to us, at age 16, he had determined his gender is male and his pronouns are he/him/his, I understood why I'd seen him anxious, unhappy, withdrawn and suicidal the previous years.
I was THRILLED when he bravely sent the email that explained his truth.
I was also heart-broken (and seriously, sobbed my pillow soaking) that he'd struggled to tell us and had been in pain, alone, and without our support until he was able to share his truth.
I immediately sent him a letter (he was away at camp when he had the pre-written email sent to us - his parents) telling him both of these things.
His biological parents however..didn't quite get on board at first. And this is where I say..there is a negative side to the "Tipping Point"...people are becoming aware of Transgender, but they think of it as a "trend" or being a new "trendy" way of expressing being gay. They said: "Oh, Emma is just butch. I can see that. But, we love her and we'll help her - it's no big thing that she's gay."
This caused enormous friction in our household. I was the "bad guy" who kept saying: "Nope, not gay, not butch.. MALE gender. You aren't getting it." I could not seem to get across to them: "Gender does not equal sexuality!!" It took months, and literally a counselor seeing him 2 times, who sent out a brief email...for them to get with the program.
This went on for most of last summer, and into the fall...during the 2014 initial coining of the phrase of the "Tipping Point".
I angered my husband, my in-laws probably didn't understand my vehement opinion..and most of all, I pissed off his biological mother who already had no fondness for me (massive understatement).
Partially, this is her deal, not mine. She has occasionally been grateful because I've been a steady parent to him since he was 18 months old...I've provided him with steady health insurance, a home address that hasn't changed...and a (good) school district where he's had friends since Kindergarten that continue to be his friends today in his Senior year. I think she appreciates my financial resources, but I suspect she has mixed feelings about my "being there" when she's been...sometimes not so steady. Frankly, I'm fairly sure she resents that I even exist and would prefer not to have this triangular parenting dynamic.
This didn't come as a huge surprise to me..and honestly I've never talked about our triangular parenting relationship or disparaged her in any way on this blog over the years because when it comes down to it - she IS his mom. She loves him fiercely like any mother loves her child. She never wants to feel replaced (and she is not replaced - but still, I can see where the feeling or fear of this may still be present for her) ...and first and foremost she wants what is best for her child and in her eyes, and frankly in my own husband's eyes..I am "not the mom" and therefore don't get a "full vote" or true parenting "rights" to Erik. (Although, again, I have raised him since he was 18 months old.)
This has never held me back from loving Erik as my own child. They can have their own opinion, I can have my own truth - and Erik can form his own opinion and just see and feel that he is loved, fiercely and with the best of our abilities, by all three of us.
So - back to the "Tipping Point". The positive side to the focus on understanding of transgender people (people who are not CIS - google it or click the link) is that Erik more-so than any generation before him will have a better chance at equality, understanding and inclusiveness.
When he transitions and is "just" Erik - the initial biological aspects of his body will cease to be an issue and he will the person he has always been. Staunch advocate of the underdog, empathetic, really 'effing smart and intuitive. He can be stubborn for good or for bad - and he can be his authentic self.
In time - he (and we) do not want this to define him. Post-transition - he'll be our son and memories of the wonderful son we raised will be just that - our memories of this person - who fortunately was born to a family (imperfect as we are) who support and love him as he is..unconditionally. Erik will be Erik - and however he moves forward will be his "identity".
Just like I'm a mom, geek, sister and wife...he'll be whatever his choices are.. perhaps Doctor, brother, son, husband. It's HIS life, his choice...and that's how it is for everyone. Just as my gender and body parts don't define ME, per se, it is and SHOULD be the same for every person on this planet. Period. Stop.
Another family who made a wonderful video I'd love you to see explain it like this: we signed up to be parents without strings.
I know for some of our religious family members understanding Erik's transition will be difficult.
It wasn't for me...because I remember his aversion and shame. I remember him hating the dress we put him in at our reception. I remember his loathing for the Disney Princess dresses his mom purchased at Disney (he wore them for pictures on request--but then never wore them or played in them again). I remember his shame when his menstruation began. I remember the breast binding that began as soon as he hit puberty.
It took him time to figure it all out - and I know it'll take others in our family a while to come to grips with his transition as well.
I knew something was wrong..but didn't know what it was...couldn't put my finger on it..and worried it might affect his future. I think Erik knew something was wrong...but also didn't know what it was either.
Shuttling between two very different households (I don't think we parented the same as his mother) probably didn't help. His mother not always being consistently "there" probably didn't help --though I feel sure he knew his mom always loved (and loves) him.
So. Here we are in 2015. Bruce Jenner has come out as Transgender and Republican! (This ought to totally throw my Republican parents for a loop.) While I think Bruce is a flake and am not too crazy about her...I do think she's brave to finally become her authentic self..and to do so in the limelight and with the paparazzi scrutiny she's had to face. That bravery is laudable and should (hopefully) only do more to help bring acceptance and understanding to GLBTQ for the broader world.
My coworkers don't seem to understand why I'm referring to my oldest child with male pronouns and a new name. I told my boss..and frankly I don't know what she thinks or feels..but she's met him and is one of my Facebook friends so I explained it to her to prevent confusion.
As usual..I'm writing far too many words (I'm verbose, that's another thing I should claim: mother/daughter/sister/wife/geek/verbose)...but I wanted to get this "out there" so that our extended family, friends and my web friends can read my thoughts, feelings and opinion on my wonderful son. Please, please respect and continue to love him. Please use the proper pronouns. Please be patient with yourself as it can be difficult to process this life event AND to adjust to new pronouns for a child you've known for years.
Thank you,
C
