Don't grow hard

Don't Grow Hard

One evening recently I was too full to finish eating what was on my dinner plate and my three-year old, Lucy, said: "Mommy you need to eat some more protein. Otherwise you won't grow up to be very tall." What a loaded sentence. I'm excited that she identifies protein and that see understands eating well will help her grow up - but my husband and I gently explained that adults are done growing. Then my husband added: "Well, adults grow, but just wider, not taller." We laughed about that, but then later I gave this statement a little more thought.

I think as adults we grow internally. As I grow older, I grow more mellow. Less impulsive.

But, with age and experience, not all the growth I've had is what I want. I don't want to lose the optimistic, somewhat naive and trusting former self I had entirely. I beileve it’s very hard to make it through life without some experiences that hurt your heart – but I don't want to grow hard.

And so today, I will attempt to persuade you, too, to not grow hard. Don't let the adult cares of the world so harden your spirit. I will only cover three points, because that's all time will permit.

1. Smile. Or at least acknowledge others. Don't tune the world out.
2. Don't fall into the self-centered way of "looking out for number 1".
3. Acknowledge good and bad behavior. Don't fall into the belief that it makes everyone else all good or all bad.

Point 1: Have you spent any time walking in a school hallway? Or, in a Children's Museum or some other place where children pass each other? Have you noticed that they naturally smile at each other? Or, shyly stare at one another? They almost never walk past another child or person without noticing them or making eye contact. Even the most reticent of children will not fail to acknowledge someone's presence in the room. Our children can't even sit through a restaurant dinner without smiling at the children at other tables.

At what point do these same children learn to walk through the world at least pretending they don't care who's around them? At what point do we think that we should walk through the skyways with a scowl on our face so no one will step in our way.

I offer up two real-world experiences:

Shortly after Michael was born we were at brunch one Sunday when he became fussy. Rather than bother the other diners in the Dennys, I nursed Michael in our minivan. Because the person in the parking space one space past our had parked crookedly, there wasn't enough space for another car to park directly next to our van. However, this didn't stop people from trying. The lot was crowded after all. One smaller Saturn SUV tried and and gave up. Then a woman with a large white Tahoe squeezed into the spot. I looked up from nursing and our eyes met. She looked at me, looked at my van, looked at the tight spot that wasn't enough room for her to open her drivers door. Then, with one more look my way, she opened her door full force into the side of my van's passenger door. Not slowly, not cautiously.. nor did she try to get out of the empty passenger side of her vehicle, which had more room.. She just opened her door into my van.
The force of this was enough that it rocked the van I was sitting in slightly -- enough to cause the baby to stop nursing. I covered him and me up and opened the sliding side door to the van. I hadn't said a word, just opened the van door - half expecting that this person would be apologetic. But no. The woman prentended I and the baby didn’t exist. I am certain she knew I was there. So, I called out to her: “Hey!” She waved me off. I sobbed through the rest of the meal at Denny's. I'm sure the other diners wondered what was wrong with me. My new minivan had a white paint door ding and that wasn’t what hurt my heart. It was the lack of acknowledgement. My husband went outside and checked the van, he assured me he could rub out the paint and remove the ding. He didn’t understand why this didn’t make it all better. It was that the woman had acted as if I didn’t exist.
Had she greeted me, apologized or even just said: “Woo, tight spot there.” I probably would have just let it go. Door dings happen – that wasn’t the point.

2nd real world experience:
I take the bus every day. The metro transit bus driver changes every few weeks – as they rotate scheduled routes. Rarely do we have the same driver for more than a month or so at a time. However, one driver, who I have nicknamed “Mr Smiley” to myself, is so memorable to me even now, over 2 years later, that if I saw him in a crowd I could pick him out. I couldn’t tell you any of my other drivers’ names or characteristics.. And I don’t know his name – but his face is happily etched in my memory. Because he smiled and greeted EVERY passenger on the bus as we boarded.


SEEING others. Greeting people – even strangers. Treating others with respect – whether by holding doors for people coming behind you, smiling at others or saying: “Good morning!” to those you see IS important. You could become memorable to a complete stranger just by being pleasant instead of being cold or hard.

Point 2:

2. Don't fall into the self-centered way of "looking out for number 1".

With the recent snow, there is a sidewalk I take to reach my bus stop which hadn’t been shoveled – just a narrow path has been worn in the center of it. There was room for one, perhaps two people at the most in this narrow space. So, you’re forced to walk single file in any one direction. I was walking on this sidewalk when two people came walking side by side together chatting. As we reached a point where we had to pass each other, they were unwilling to move from the cleared off path. The only way for me to proceed was to walk into the icy uncleared snowy part of the path. I slipped, and luckily caught myself before I hit the ground… But I felt like an old curmudgeon as I muttered under my breath and wanted to shake my fist at their retreating backs.

Had they, just for a moment, suspended their conversation and had one of them fall back into single file, just long enough for them to pass me on the sidewalk, none of us would have risked falling on the uncleared packed snow.

It takes a little extra effort to train oneself to be sensitive, despite our own busy, fast-paced lives, to other’s needs. But I would implore you to start small, and effect change the only place you can – with your own attitude.

Think of how you drive. Do you drive “defensively” as we’ve all been implored to do? Looking out for the person ready to cut you off and push ahead of you, speeding up to make sure the guy merging from the right has to get in behind you rather than behind you? Or, do you look around and see traffic needs to get into the lane you’re in and either vacate the lane so they can merge or slow down and signal with your hand that they should go ahead?

I find I enjoy time driving much better when I consciously drive to accommodate others. Rather than worrying about when I’ll get someplace or how late I am for daycare pick up or anything else – I try to concentrate on MPR or music and look around for people who need someone to let them into traffic. I’ll even make it a game. I’ll count the number of “happy waves” I get from people grateful I let them merge in front of me and if it exceeds a set number, say 5 for my 25 minute commute home, then it’s been a good drive home.

And finally, point number 3. Acknowledge good and bad behavior. Don't fall into the belief that it makes everyone else all good or all bad.

I make a point to thank profusely kind strangers who let me ahead in the check out lane if I have just one or two items and they have several. And, when I see someone do something despicable I am not afraid to tell my children, if they witness it, that it is NOT OK to do what they’ve just seen. For example, people who throw cigarette butts out their car windows. I see it all the time. My children notice it, too. I am unafraid to say, out loud, that it’s not right, and it’s littering. If the person should happen to overhear me, all the better.

If you don’t want to cause conflict or call people on their faults, that’s probably all the better..In fact, safer in this day and age. It's not the 1940s anymore - and if you catch someone littering and say something about it there's always the chance that they're a psycho with a gun who'll kill you on the spot. Even so, I think it's important to acknowledge it to yourself that what the person has done is not socially acceptable or is morally reprehensible. Does it make them all bad? Certainly not.

The young man who hit my car just a year ago was a very good person. Was it terrible that he hit a pregnant lady because he turned when he shouldn’t have? All the on-lookers were yelling at him and angry at him. I sat in the back of the police car with him and gave him my cell phone so he could call his mom. No, he wasn't a bad person. Life is full of gray areas. We need to remember to slow down and give grace to those who might need it.