What I Learned at Age 42

I haven't wanted to write for a long time - and in fact, over the last year despite having been a voracious reader for my entire life I struggled to even read a book.

My beautiful middle child (who I must remember to never compare myself to - because as a teenager NO ONE wants to hear how their mom was 'just like you' at that age) who is also a voracious reader found this excellent idea on Pinterest where each time you finish a book you write it on a slip of paper and put it in a jar. She made, and decorated beautifully, a jar for 2014 and it's jam packed with slips of paper. She's looking forward to dumping the contents of the jar out on December 31st to count how many books she's read and remember and perhaps rank her favorite books of the year.

Recently I made tentative steps back to being able to read. I found I couldn't go back to my Kindle. I needed the tactile sensation of turning pages, holding the weight of the book in my hands.. So far I've completed 6 books. (And to be honest, one was just a 90 page ode to friendship and poetry.)

I'm also making tentative strides back to quilting. I finally finished the quilt top for my now 11 year old nephew. The GUILT I felt at every family gathering when he asked how it was coming will finally be over. (All the other nephews, niece and my children got their quilts as toddlers or infants.)

However, because I love lists, I must list for you what I learned this year (I can't believe it took me until age 42 to learn many of these things!):
I'll give you the short version -- and then my usual verbose version.

Short version:
 1. How to do my makeup
 2. That you don't have to pee after sex to prevent UTIs, you can't get them from sitting on dirty toilet seats and despite what you've always been told it's not even about wiping the wrong direction. I have this VERBATIM from the best Urologist in town. FOR.REAL.
 3. I love running.
 4. I love yoga.
 5. That sometimes you shouldn't jump in to solve a problem, just listen and sit back and wait. Key word there is: LISTEN. (Not solution-mode)

Okay, my lengthier version (and skipping the bit about UTIs - but adding something I learned about marriage):
 1. I finally learned how to put on makeup. Properly. That I should have been lining my entire upper eyelid all along. Seriously, how did it take me 42 years to walk into a cosmetics store and get an hour long lesson?

2. That I love running. This is one that shocked me the most. I used to say I wouldn't run unless something was chasing me. This year I learned that sometimes running can clear your mind of things that are figuratively chasing you - and it's not only good for you, it's cathartic. Especially when you're listening to your preferred sick beats on your headphones.

3. I love yoga - maybe even more than running. I gave it a try because I worried about preventing running injuries and wanted to improve my balance (much needed!) and flexibility. I thought it'd be a relaxing stretch-out class. I was mistaken in all the best ways. It's like hitting an internal reset button - you come out glowing and floppy like a happy noodle (usually) and your mind is at rest.

 4. (Married, or long time) Love is about showing up, not showing off.
This one I partially knew.. I couldn't help but observe that women who got flowers regularly or gifts of jewelry are the ones whom, over time, ended up divorced because their mates were cheating. I knew that grand romantic gestures weren't for me. This much I'd pretty much figured out long before I got married. What I hadn't figured out was the unconditional love part. I think I always assumed that if I was broken, unworthy, unattractive or didn't pull my own weight...that I was replaceable. (Children of divorce, can I get an amen here?)

For my marriage... love has always been more of a quiet gesture. That he constantly tops off my windshield washer fluid - I don't even have to ask or look, it's just always taken care of..out of love. That each time I walk through the kitchen adjoining his work area I lean over and give him a small kiss. That we do things for each other that just make our home run smoothly. Many times without asking - just small acts of love.
These small loving gestures can get overlooked or taken for granted especially among the occasional harsh words, small hurts or the dumb squabbles over inconsequential things.
So occasionally you need to step back and look...and notice.
It's the showing up. Everyday. Even if last night you told him he was a crap bag. You wake up, start his coffee maker and quietly unload the dishwasher.
(Purely a hypothetical example - because I am absolutely the last one up at our house about 95% of the time.)
Being there - because you love, respect and care so much for this person who is everything. Family, best friend, love, co-parent... the first person you want to tell anything that tickles/appalls/shocks you and the last person you want to see before you shut your eyes each day.

5. Listening is a skill we should all cultivate. For someone who has always wanted to "fix" the problem...it's a more difficult skill to master, but I'm starting to learn: Listen, listen, listen - ask a question to make sure you've understood, then ASK if they want your thoughts or not. Sometimes people are just telling you their problems. (This is true even in my professional life as I meet with CIOs and IT Directors!) They don't necessarily want you to jump to a solution - even if you have the perfect fix right in your pocket. They just want you to understand their current pain points.