The Power of Invisibility

Overheard in the locker room this morning:

Woman 1: "I just can't stand the sort of clothes women our age are supposed to wear."
Woman 2: "So don't buy them. I refuse to. Who says we should be matronly and wear dull clothes. Screw that."
Woman 3: "It's true. Vote with your dollar. "
Woman 1: "I've been listening to this tape from the library that's really been helping me with this adjustment. It's all just a package."
Woman 2: "What do you mean by that? Package?"
Woman 1: "This outer shell. Our bodies. It's what's inside that really matters. It's just that.. at this age.."
Woman 3: "..I feel like people judge by the outside."
Woman 1: "Yeah. Exactly."
Woman 3: "I get so depressed in the Spring."
Woman 1: "You should listen to this tape. It'd really help you. It makes me feel..."
Woman 2: "It's growing old in this culture that's all wrong."
Woman 1: "Yeah. It's hard enough - but society tells us we can't grow old.."
Woman 2: "We should change that."
Woman 3: "Yeah, we can change that.."

The three women, although they didn't come out and use this exact word have been feeling INVISIBLE.

That people look right past them. That, despite their best efforts to age gracefully and keep fit ..and despite the fact that all three professed to nary a gray hair between them that they still see that society and the economy seem to be driven by the youth culture machine and shuns them. (I almost stepped in and asked: "I've been coloring over gray hair since age 28! How is it you've acheived 50 without ANY?" --but it was better that I didn't. I was the wrong age to barge into this conversation. )

As I left the locker room and was exiting the Y, a coworker cut in front of me to exit. I recognized him and smiled and motioned that he could go ahead. He didn't respond back. We ended up walking side by side down the stairs to the street and so I said something about a meeting we'd both been in the week before where we both asked the same question. He looked at me blankly. I repeated it - he looked again squinting his eyes and STILL no flicker of recognition.

I finally said: "You don't recognize me from [company name here] do you?"
He answered without hesitation or remorse: "Nope. I don't." I explained my earlier comment to him so he could understand why I'd brought it up. He nodded and tried to joke off his not knowing me by saying something glib. I laughed along and we parted ways as he went through the skyway and I went out to the street level to go to my parking ramp to stash my gym bag in the car.

Then I thought:
I've worked with this guy, in the same building, for about 4 years now. I recognized him on sight. He acted as if he'd never seen me before in his life.

I think I'm on the cusp of that age when women begin being invisible. I've had tastes of this in the past before - this invisibility. In fact, it's really gotten so that when the invisibility wears off for a moment and someone DOES see me, it's a surprise. An anomally. It even makes me feel uncomfortable on the rare occasions that it happens.

I don't wear bland boring clothes, at least not usually. I don't have a boring hair cut. I am just about average size and height and weight. So, I'm not remarkable necessarily. In many ways "blending in" or being invisible is a good thing. I just wonder if, by the time I'm 50, I won't despise my "packaging" just like the women in the locker room who are struggling with their own "packaging".

And this all brings me back to a memory from Japan.

I had one student, Shizue Sakaguchi, who didn't really want to learn English. In fact, she much preferred to hear me talk in English and ask me questions in Japanese. I held firm (after all she was paying a small fortune for private lessons) and made her speak English as much as possible. In halting English we exchanged many interesting stories. Shizue was in her late fifties when I first moved to Japan and turned 60 one day, 2 years into my time as her English teacher.
She had welcomed me especially kindly and so I'd been to her home for dinner, we'd shared her secrets of staying young (that's a LONG story for another day) and talked about every taboo subject: politics, religion and love. She didn't want "fluff" in her lessons. She was direct and mischeivious and had an excellent dry sense of humor. Every week we met for about an hour. Every week, once a week for 2 years I saw Shizue come from the Ramen shop that she and her husband owned near the train station. She'd lilt up the street on impossibly small and high heeled shoes for her afternoon English lesson.
She was a heavy smoker, so her voice was very deep and husky. She was also impossibly thin and petite. I'd guess about 4 feet 8 inches tall and MAYBE 85lbs soaking wet. Probably 5 of those pounds were her long black hair which she piled up in an ornate bun on her head each day. She once took her hair down to show me - and it was past her waist in lenth - almost to the back of her knees.

On the week of her 60th birthday Shizue was late for class. When she came in to the lobby of the school I could see her big wide eyes twinkling and she was already laughing at my surprise. She'd chopped off ALL her hair, into the shortest pixie cut I'd ever seen and she'd pierced her ears. She wore even younger looking fashionable clothes and PURPLE eyeshadow. Shizue had clearly looked forward to my reaction - although she'd been hearing plenty of exclamations from her family and friends, customers and coworkers already.

I was dumbstruck. When I asked her why, after all these years with long hair, she'd cut her hair she smiled coyly and said: "Oh, I don't know." But she must have kept the real answer close to her heart. She knew. And she probably knew a kid like me (I was all of 22 or 23 at that time) could probably never really understand.
She must have needed a change in a big way. To remind her of her wilder side. To look outwardly as daring and young as she felt on the inside. Shizue was definitely young and wild on the inside. And, for her 60th birthday, she decided to update her packaging to reflect how she felt on the inside.

Shizue lived life vibrantly and was never a wall flower. I hope those women in the locker room rail against the establishment like they claim they're going to. Go for it gals! I hope you change society's impression of aging before I grow any older. If any demographic group can - it'll be the baby boomers. I just hope it trickles down to our generation so I can reap the benefits, too. Otherwise, I'll take a page out of Shizue's book when I cease to enjoy invisibility any longer.

2 Random Thoughts - Thursday Afternoon Special

odd-walla
Originally uploaded by Geeky Mama.

What's pictured here is the Odwalla Nourshing Food Bar I bought. It sounded.. so nourishing.

In reality, it looks like Poop. And doesn't taste a whole lot better.
(Which is shocking because - how can you go wrong with Chocolate Chips and Peanuts? But somehow, they managed...)

On a totally separate topic (2nd random thought):
I am so proud to hear a report from daycare today that Lucy has empathy. And that baby boy has learned to take off his pants and swing them over his head while hooting. Two important life skills in one day - yay kids!

But really, I am very proud of Luce.
Two other kids were excluding and ignoring another girl. Lucy lectured them on including her and pointed out to the other two that (the excluded child) shares all her toys with them.

A quote from daycare mom Shelly:

Lucy said: "What, is there some reason we can't all play with (excluded child's name)?"

Sounds so close to: "Can't we all just get along?" - doesn't it?

Still, I'm proud that she fought against clique-ishness and was sensitive to another person's feelings. This makes me think maybe I'm not doing a totally crap job as a mom.

That, and I've gotten her to only swear in German now. (This is how I've cleaned up my language, I switched my potty-mouth words to non-English exclamations.) So now, I'll hear her playing with her doll babies and then blurt out: Scheiße!

If Daddy over hears it he invariably says: "Lucy, you shouldn't say that.." And she'll say in a sheepish tone of voice: "Ah, Pickles!"

Another Woman Who Shares My Brain

My friend A.T. (names have been changed to protect the innocent) and I often joke that we're sharing a brain because when it comes to a discussion on "What would you do if?" we almost always answer exactly the same. We think so alike on so many topics that it's just about useless for us to discuss most "water cooler" sort of topics - because we'll both chime in with the same opinion.

So, when I read this quote on in a Weight Watchers Success Story (link above) I thought: "Oh man, here's another woman who's sharing a brain with me and A.T."

"I'll never forget finding a lump in my side and thinking I had cancer for several weeks, until my husband told me it was my hip bone!"

And, then I hear my husband in my head saying in his best Arnold Schwarzenegger impersonation (from "Kindergarten Cop":) "It's not a tum-ah!"

More Fuel For the Fire

Apparently there is far more wrong with iTunes then just my irritation at their incomplete music selection.

http://www.downhillbattle.org/itunes/

Inadvertant "Poetry" at Work

Sometimes in my job, I have to piece together translations in languages that I don't know. I did a good one in French today, and did OK on some Traditional Chinese. In both cases I had someone double check my work.

Japanese is easy - I do that all the time, but that's because I KNOW that language.

However, when I tried to do Korean for: "Hide Status View"

I came up with: 아니다 전시 상태 보기

(Not display Status View)... at least on my first try.

Babel Fish tells me I managed to write:
"The time of war condition which is not it sees,"

Oops.

My second try was better in Korean: 상태 보기 숨기기
Or, at least I thought it was, until I checked Babel Fish - and once again it was almost poetic:

"Condition it sees, it hides"

Apparently Korean is a really poetic language. Either that or I've missed my calling as a Korean poet. Or, BabelFish just sucks for Korean.

An Open Letter to Apple and iTunes

Please let me share with you the exchanges I've been having with your support organization within your iTunes line of business.

First I emailed (and I'll paraphrase here for brevity):
"Hey, how come I can see the Japanese iTunes store but I get an error every time I try to make a music purchase?"

The answer I got back from support employee #1 was this:

Dear Carolyn,

Thank you for contacting the iTunes Music Store.

You can only purchase music from the iTunes Music Store that matches your country of residence and your billing address. Each country supports credit cards issued by banks in these countries. For example, a Visa card issued in the United States can only be used at the U.S. iTunes Music Store and so on.

-----

Uh. Yeah. That's a load of crap.

But I tactfully responded like this instead:

--------
Hi {name of support personnel here}

Thanks for your response - but my Visa card works just fine all over Japan and Germany. This can't be the reason why iTunes doesn't allow users to buy music from other stores. Moreover, the currency conversion is automated by bank cards - so even if the iTune in Japan is 150 yen, my bankcard will do the conversion to $1.97 or whatever the going rate is on that given day. Again, not a hindrance for iTunes in any way.

Both Amazon.com and Ebay,from my own personal experiences, allow international purchases with my US-issued Visa card. How can I esclate this issue at iTunes? I'm certain I'm not the only person who wants to purchase international music for my iPod.

Thanks for your assistance,
Carolyn
----

And so I got the following answer from support employee #2:

Dear Carolyn,

Thank you for contacting the iTunes Music Store.

I apologize for any inconvenience this may have caused, but these restrictions are in place in accordance with agreements between the iTunes Music Store, the Artists and the record labels.

Thank you for your email with feedback for improving our business practices and products. The iTunes Music Store team recognizes that our best advice comes from our customers and we appreciate the efforts you have made to share your opinion with us.

Sincerely,
.......

To which I really must just say this:

Dear iTunes Support,

Thank you for this response - which at least is plausible and understandable.
Again, however, I repeat that I am able to buy international music releases from Amazon.com. I can buy new German music CDs or Japanese music CDs via Amazon and have them shipped to my US address -- and billed to my US debit card directly from my US checking account. This is something I love about the internet.

I really love iTunes, too. However, if you've truly established regional-only contracts to sell music from big multi-national recording companies like SONY and BMG - I'm so sorry for Apple. That just means I'll continue to spend more money at Amazon.com and far less money at iTunes.

I also know for a fact (since I can see the Japanese iTunes store) that in Japan where the mix of music is J-Pop (music created in Japan) and international artists they can purchase JPOP and the latest Eminem single right next to a new French pop artist's hit.

So, apparently those "restrictions" you mentioned are only for North American users of iTunes?

Whatever.

iTunes' loss. In a giant melting pot like the US where the latest Census statistics show more than 18% of our population speaks another language besides English at home (over 47 million Americans) - you think there aren't people who buy non-English language music?

And you think I can't read the Japanese iTunes site to see that they can get the latest release of anything on the US pop chart while I can't get a single Japanese pop single? Well, I can. And it makes an unhappy consumer. It makes me want to get around your system.

And guess what - I probably could if I wanted to. I could create a new iTunes user account, select Japan as the country then and give my old Japanese address or even an address of a hotel or business in Japan. Then I could enter my bank card number, or use an iTunes card purchased at Target and you'd be none the wiser.

But instead.. like I said, in my own stubborn little protest I'll just spend WAY more money at Amazon.com and send them effusive thanks for allowing me to purchase CDs from their German store.

Morningside Drive

Morningside Drive
Originally uploaded by Geeky Mama.

This is my childhood home. This is where I grew up. If I'm remembering correctly there is just about a full acre of land around the house. The house and the garage, which is wide and squat and better suited for keeping buggies and won't allow you to park tall vehicles, were built at the turn of the century (and in this case I mean late 1800s heading in to the 1900s.)

It's brick, solid and has a beautiful pine "forest" on the one side of the yard. Another part of the yard has an in-ground pool.

Although I don't think we'll ever live in Ohio - if this house ever went up for sale again both my sister and I would, if we had the financials means to, want to buy it.

This house has been affecting our new home search. I keep wishing for a house like this, in an ideal location, so that our kids can have a home that gives them amazing memories of growing up in it. It's where I come from, so it's inevitable that as a parent now I'd try and recreate this
special home from my childhood for my own children. I think many of do this - if not intentionally then subconsciously. My hubby seems to like ramblers and split levels better (more like his childhood home) I seem to lean towards traditional style two-story homes.

Of course, realistically, I know it's not possible for us to relive our childhoods or even find a truly similar home that we can afford, yet that seems this special - special location, special features, special old - it's just not likely it will be that way when we finally find "the" house we're going to buy next.

But oh stories I can (and sometimes do) tell about about living in this house... And oh the stories this house could tell if these walls could talk..

The Bug that Ate My Baby

Rota Virus
Originally uploaded by Geeky Mama.

This is what is ailing baby boy this week. It's Rotavirus. Doesn't look so bad in this picture..but it's nasty stuff this bug. At least this time around for us. (The girls have each had this before - but not as badly as it is for Michael this time around.)

This picture is much cuter than my posting one of what we've been seeing (and smelling) around our house this week.

Poor boy has lost way too much weight. And he was (too) skinny to begin with. It's been a long week of missing work, cleaning up lots of messes (we'll spare you the details) and keeping the washing machine going almost non-stop.

Whee!

In the Hot Pool

In the Hot Pool
Originally uploaded by Geeky Mama.

This is one of the girls' favorite things about Grandpa's house: "The Hot Pool". That and the pinball machine and the big fish tank.
It's hard to say whether the girls or grandpa is happier here - they're all pretty much in heaven in this picture.

Dad Surprised & Happy

Dad Surprised & Happy
Originally uploaded by Geeky Mama.

We surprised him for his 60th birthday. The most worth-while 16 hours (each way) I've ever spent in the car. He was really taken off guard, and I know he was thrilled that the grandkids were there to help him celebrate this milestone birthday.

Happy Birthday Dad!

In lieu of a real blog entry...

A short list of things that make each day tolerable at the end of the never ending Minnesota winter:

1. My wonderful husband and beautiful children
2. iTunes, iPod, XMMyfi, XM Radio (esp. U-Pop, XMU & Ethel)
3. Meiji Strawberry chocolates or Mint Blue gum (in small doses)
4. websudoku.com or Sudoku with my favorite pencil
5. Bath & Body aromatherapy Calming essential oils roll-on
6. My minivan "Greenie" (which doubles as my second home many days of the week)
7. WW online
8. Y-M-C-A - especially the pool
9. Paradise Iced Tea. At least I can close my eyes and remember summer.