One of the frequent expressions we use around our house is: "You must be on crack." This is used to convey the opinion that the other person is so clearly in an altered state that what they've just said makes no sense.
Example:
Hubby: "I thought you'd WANT to take the kids on a hike. It's so sunny out today and it's going to be near 30 F by afternoon.."
Me: "Take the newborn on a hike? When there are snow flurries? You must be on crack."
Now, to be honest, if I was trying for humor I'd be better off using "Meth" as opposed to "crack" in my sentence.. as clearly, the suburban midwest has far more rampant meth use than crack use.
However, this particular phrase was coined years ago in our little family, and we'll probably be saying it when we're in the retirement home in the year 2054 when crack no longer exists and the health aides charged with our care will have no idea what we're talking about.
Perhaps we should worry about not saying this in front of the kids..in case they repeat it at school. Hmm. Hadn't crossed my mind until just now. Oh well. The things that come out of our 3 yr. old's mouth are already so colorful that her teachers would probably not be terribly surprised. I'm looking forward to a very interesting parent-teacher conference with her pre-school teachers later this month. Especially because around election day she was given to saying: "Bush is a bad guy. He likes war and killing." I'm sure any comments about that at her all-Christian pre-school went over like a lead balloon. But, I digress.
What I really intended to explain is that -- I was obviously on crack when I posted last Thursday. A vacation? Chuh! What was I THINKING?
First of all, we had a sick toddler (hence, no daycare for her), and it was a non-school day. So, hubby ended up with ALL 3 kids at the hospital. It's hard to say who was having the worse afternoon. Me, being cut up, or hubby trying to entertain and keep somewhat quiet three children (age 7, 3.5 yrs. and 3.5 months).
And, things did not go as I expected. Last time I had sedation, this time I had to be totally put under anesthesia and intubated because they didn't want my lungs to move and mess up the procedure. Those darn spastic lungs!
And, furthermore, they have done away with the Lorna Doone shortbread cookies in the effort of cost-reduction at the hospital. That was a BIG disappointment.
So, post-operatively, I had my choice of saltines ...or saltines. They made a nasty paste in my dried out mouth..because the anti-nausea medicine (or perhaps due to the intubation?) had totally shut off my saliva factory.
That dry-mouth thing lasted for almost 24 hours! I kept telling hubby that he had to touch my tongue..because it was surreal. I could drink water or suck on an ice cube and STILL have a totally dried out tongue that felt like a cat's tongue. Very strange.
However, I couldn't even really enjoy that strange sensation much because there was so much pain. I writhed. I made noises. I scared the small children in our house. I had plenty of pain drugs.. but not much could help me but the passage of time. And gas. See...they fill you up with CO2 gas when they do laprascopic surgery. I didn't know this. Oh, but did I learn. It's NOT pleasant to be inflated like a balloon. I kept visualizing the scene in Shrek where Fiona and Shrek inflate a snake and a frog - that's how I felt, like the snake that got blown up and twisted into shape like a clown's balloon trick.
About 36 hours after the surgery I was OK. Not good, but OK. Back to being able to care for the baby and fend for myself a bit. Fiesty enough to tell the home care nurse who called that the worst part of the recovery room was that there were not Lorna Doone cookies anymore. She said almost every repeat patient has commented on that. In the words of Flavor Flav: "Operation No Doubt is in effect."
When you haven't eaten in almost 24 hours, your first bit of food is important. I mean, if they really want to do it right, there should be a menu and linen table cloths. Then again, this time I couldn't have appreciated that anyways. This time, all I wanted was more anti-nausea medicine and something for the pain, please.
Now I'm just sore and weak. But otherwise ready to go back to work tomorrow.
Vacation my @ss. I must have been on crack.
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