Does this make me a bad mommy?

Every once in a while I'll hear a song that will actually bring back to mind a scent. Place. Person. Time. So strongly - so completely that it's nearly like time-travel. There's a Pet Shop Boys song that brings back Okinawa, 1987 and the scents of mint and my pink cotton bed spread perfectly.

There's an album Skalatitude by the UK ska band The Trojans that is the essence of summer for me. So strongly does it recall the feeling of summertime in Japan - riding in a Mini Rover with sun on my arms and sand on my feet and not a care in the world. I can practically taste the MOS genmai ice cream shake and smell the suntan lotion.

Occasionally a song I've never heard can ..affect.. me so much that I experience the same sort of thing - even while I have no former associations or memories connected with it.

This past weekend I was driving to church with only my youngest child in the minivan. The radio had been left on the channel I listen to most often on XM. It just happened that it was the weekend "countdown" of week's most popular international tunes.

This is the song that came on:
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Nelly Furtado/C. Martin "All Good Things (Come to an End)"

Honestly what will become of me
don't like reality It's way too clear to me
But really life is daily
We are what we don't see
Missed everything daydreaming

Chorus:
Flames to dustLovers to friends
Why do all good things come to an end
Flames to dustLovers to friends
Why do all good things come to an end
come to an end come to an
Why do all good things come to end?
come to an end come to an
Why do all good things come to an end?

Traveling I only stop at exits
Wondering if I'll stay Young and restless
Living this way I stress less
I want to pull away when the dream dies
The pain sets in and I don't cry
I only feel gravity and I wonder why

[Chorus]
Well the dogs were whistling a new tune
Barking at the new moon
Hoping it would come soon so that they could
Dogs were whistling a new tune
Barking at the new moon
Hoping it would come soon so that they could
Die die die die die

[Chorus]

Well the dogs were barking at a new moon
Whistling a new tune
Hoping it would come soon
And the sun was wondering
if it should stay away for a day
til the feeling went away
And the sky was falling on the clouds were dropping and
the rain forgot how to bring salvation
the dogs were barking at the new moon
Whistling a new tune
Hoping it would come soon so that they could die.
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This song could have been written by my 22 year old self. I have old journals filled with this theme: "I want to pull away when the dream dies" - running from everything, never slowing down to feel pain - even if it meant running to the other side of the planet.

Many, many failed relationships flashed before my eyes in a sad parade. I was no longer seeing the street I was driving on - I was a million miles away lost in memories. (Good thing there weren't too many people out on the roads on Sunday morning, eh?!)
I was completely silent lost in my thoughts. (Typically I chat with the kids when they're in the car with me.) It was five minutes of complete time and space travel. The faces of former loves and friends, the tears, the pains I caused and the hurts I felt - all flashed by and felt as real as a smack in the face.

When the song ended it took a few moments to realize where I was and what I was doing. Then, two thoughts arrived at once: "I must get this song on my iPod." and: "Poor Mr. Man! I've just been off in space and haven't said "boo" to him!"

Then I apologized to Mr. Man for zoning out - but no worries, he'd been sort of cat napping on his own. It wasn't until we pulled into the church parking lot and he started crying: "No church! No church!" that I really snapped back into mommy mode. Any sound of distress from my kids snaps me back to present and into full-on-mommy-mode in an instant.

Perhaps years from now I'll hear this song again and all it will call to mind is how fleeting it is that the kids are little - and how foolish I was to wallow in old memories when I could have been savoring a conversation with my littlest child who's just learning to talk. After all:
"But really life is daily / We are what we don't see / Missed everything daydreaming "